August 30, 2011

5 Bar Phrases: Translated

Let me paint you a picture...

You're on the dance floor, it's girls' night out, you looove this Ke$ha song, life's great. Then some dude in a douchey T-shirt comes sauntering up behind you. You feel hands snake around your midsection and this creep's nasty moist beer breath on your ear.

"Hey baby, wanna dance"

And all you can think is "ew ew ew ew ew ewww ewww ewww EWWWWW"

But you're polite, so you gently pull yourself out of the grasp of this randoo and you turn to him and say oh so kindly with a half smile on your face, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend."

But this guy ain't takin' no for an answer.
"Where is he?" "What's his name" "Who cares, it's just a dance"
And then comes the hands again.

At that point, it's just bewildering. What is it that guys DON'T understand?
Ahhhhh yes, that's right. Subtlety.

Well, I am going to help you all out by decoding 5 very VERY simple dance floor phrases.
This way we all understand eachother.
Girls, please take note. We all need to speak the same language in there.

5. "I have a boyfriend"

Translation: "While I may or may not actually have a boyfriend, it really doesn't matter because I find you unattractive and would prefer if you didn't rub your junk on my backside for the next three-and-a-half minutes before I feel compelled to signal to my friend and excuse myself to go to the "bathroom". At this point I will go, check my hair and outfit, hide out for the next 45 seconds, then proceed to stealthily lap the bar to make sure it is safe to return to my friends; after which I will spend the rest of the night using my peripheral vision to avoid running into you again."

4. "Outside?"

Translation: "I feel like I'm getting a litttttle bit on the sweaty side, it's hot in here, and I didn't spend 2 hours making my hair look absolutely PERFECT just to sweat out the hairspray. Also, this pink dress shows sweatmarks so I need to get outside air here to avoid disaster."

3. *screams* "OH MY GAWWDD" *hugs*

Translation: "Wow ________, it sure is great bumping into you randomly at this bar. I haven't seen you in at LEAST a week and I'm quite excited as I am particularily fond of you. This has made me very happy. While I am maybe a little embarrassed about our squealing exhibition, It is cancelled out by the fact that I can't help but hope that other people have noticed how many friends I have at this bar and how totally popular I am.

2."I'll be right back"

Translation: "I WILL BE RIGHT BACK! And I expect you to be here in this exact spot on the floor. If you move, it's gonna take me 20 minutes to find your ninja ass and during that time they may play all the good songs and I don't wanna miss them cause I'm searching all over for YOU.

1. "Bathroom!"/"Bathroom?"/"Bathroom."

! Translation: "SAVE ME!"
? Translation: "I think you need to be saved, but I'm unsure, so if you say no then I'll leave you be."
. Translation: "We. need. to. get. the. eff. out. of. here. ...NOW."

There you have it.
This is of course not always the case, and of course it's just from my experience.
If only you knew what kind of experiences I've had.

Unfortunately I feel like I've described the experience a bit too accurately.
Soo, I'm gonna go shower away the filth now.

Oh, one more thing. This is a perfect opportunity for some Ricky J.
Then again, when isn't?

August 26, 2011

5 Ways Cosmo Makes Us Crazy.

If you're wondering why sometimes girls are bat shit crazy, you need look no further than where we get our advice. Cosmo. Or as I'm now calling it, the root of all paranoia.

Here's a list of 5 things Cosmo is telling us that contribute to making girls the irritable, weird, paranoid, psychotic, obsessive, Facebook-stalky creatures that we are.

5. "Eye Contact"

Or less specifically, guys' body language.

From a sooper young age girls are being conditioned to read and react to every tiny little thing guys are doing. Including every time they lift their eyebrows, tilt their heads, how they stand, how long it takes them to respond, what they say, how they say it, which direction his palms are facing, whether his pupils are dilated, etc...

Real Cosmo article excerpt:
"These 10 signals will let you know when a guy's just not feeling it...
8. He keeps breaking eye contact with you to look at someone or something else.
9. He doesn't look at you straight on — instead, it's from the side."
Or how about from the "Body Language Decoder"
"Although you may think he's smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five seconds doesn't happen naturally, so he may be using the look as a seduction technique to get you into bed."
Next time a guy looks me in the eyes for 5.7 seconds, I'm gonna scream rape.

4. Change your wardrobe or die alone

Cosmo is the kind of magazine that likes to keep up to date on trends, but this article was so backwards. All it did was tell me what a panel/survey/random sampling (whaaaatever) of guys think about certain trends and assumed that would dictate whether or not I wore it.

Trends included:
too much makeup (duh, hence the 'too much' part")

The colour pink was the second most hated thing. WTF guys, what did pink ever do to you?

3. Looking good is not enough

You have to look the right KIND of good.

According to Cosmo, there's "guy hot" and "girl hot"
Are you wearing blue eyeshadow? Gross, that's girl hot, you should've smokey-eyed that shit.
Is your hair curled? Gross, that's girl hot, you should've done beachy waves.
At this point I think I'm just gonna give up.

2. The "Does He Like Me" Quiz

And girls, you've ALL done it. It started when you picked up that first "Girls' Life" magazine in grade five.
And Cosmo still has it if you want it. Which of course you do, because with all the signs you've been taking note of, it's time for some REAL answers.

"Are you good girl hot or bad girl hot?"
"Do you know if he likes you?"
"Are you (insert adjective here) enough?"
"How do you know when it's over?"
"Is he a player?"

Fail? nah, just retake it till you get the answers you want.

And laaaaast but not least....


Everything you wear, say, do, think. Cosmo wants you to know that every inch of your body and mind is being scrutinized at all times.

Found this one, I tend to get a bad case of the giggles, apparently I'm SOL:

"Your Laugh
Guys pride themselves on being funny, so they look for girls who can appreciate their sense of humor. However, there’s such a thing as laughing too much.

And they don't even mean like rolling around on the floor stupid "I didn't even say anything" laughter. They mean like if I laugh at one thing he doesn't think is funny, I'm a freak. ooookay.

You guys should actually read this next article for yourselves:

The top ten things guys notice includes:
how thick your hair is 
the pitch of your voice 
the size of your group
Maybe it's just me, but isn't Cosmo asking a lot of us?
At this point I'm tempted to just stay home and bitch online.

365 days.

Press play, this song 100% applies here.

It's funny how much can change in a year isn't it?

This time last year I was getting ready to start my second and (hopefully) final year of Creative Communications. I was blissfully unemployed, spending all my time with friends I'd been missing, getting ready for what would be my last season of competitive volleyball, writing a script I would eventually begin to hate, and working out religiously.

Not a bad start right?
I certainly didn't think so.
But then again, I was also wonderfully ignorant of all the "eventful" things that lay in wait that fall.

(I should probably warn you, this is starting to feel like a diary entry post. Apologies)

You don't feel anything coming right before things falls apart.
There's no sense of impending doom. No blatant warning signs of things to come.
You don't see omens, or have weird foreshadow-y conversations with people.
And you don't know that when you see someone for the last time, it will be the last time.

A year ago today I was visiting my hardworking friends on the Projector staff.
I was telling crazy stories about the ridiculous month I'd had and those of you who know me will probably groan and roll your eyes because you've heard the stories a TRILLION times. (sorry)

School starts. You make new friends. Realize you missed some friends a lot more than you thought. And for me, I was full swing busy again. 8 hours at school everyday, (more if you were in media production like some of us *sob*) plus practices and homework and the harmless seeming IPP.

September was a medley of things for me personally. A crazy weird "high school reunion" (coughcoughblackpathpartycoughcough) that took me back to being 16.  Realizing, I was glad I wasn't 16 anymore. Getting hurt by friends (and "friends"), dealing with it, and trying to focus on other things.
And here I was thinking that was complicated.

October proved me wrong.
October. Fucking sucked.

If you've ever lost anyone I don't need to explain to you the strangeness of it all.

It's like playing peek-a-boo when you're little, but one time you open your eyes and the other person is just


Watching your best friends suffer through that, is really, really hard.
It's even worse when you don't know what to say.
And then it happens again.
And it's un-fucking-believable.

I won't get into it. Last fall, was not fun.

But life goes on. And while some relationships in your life become SO important, others just kinda fall by the wayside. And of course that "life is short" perspective doesn't last forever. And other personal drama comes back again, and again, and again, and AGAIN.

I learned first hand how much fun the domino effect can be.

Then you realize time has passed. And it's March.
And you wake up from that winter long slumber of academic hell, just in time for the grand finale of course.

Then it's over. April. May, Summer.

You reset. refresh. reflect. re-evaluate.

I would give anything to go back a year and relive today.
But you couldn't pay me all the money in the world to relive the past 365 of them.

Things are different.
No more extracurricular activities. People have moved away.
I wonder if that really great conversation I had with that person is an omen.
I take last looks before I walk away from a friend, just in case.
We don't get drunk and run around the streets.. as often.
I'm working all the time, and I wonder if I'll ever have time for all the people I miss.

At the same time, a year ago feels like yesterday.
It's almost fall again.
I'm getting ready for school again.
Have stupid personal drama that makes me feel like the sky is falling, again.
Work out religiously again. (at least that's what I tell myself)
And I have crazy stories to tell again.

It's funny how much stays the same after a year isn't it?