August 30, 2011

5 Bar Phrases: Translated

Let me paint you a picture...

You're on the dance floor, it's girls' night out, you looove this Ke$ha song, life's great. Then some dude in a douchey T-shirt comes sauntering up behind you. You feel hands snake around your midsection and this creep's nasty moist beer breath on your ear.

"Hey baby, wanna dance"

And all you can think is "ew ew ew ew ew ewww ewww ewww EWWWWW"

But you're polite, so you gently pull yourself out of the grasp of this randoo and you turn to him and say oh so kindly with a half smile on your face, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend."

But this guy ain't takin' no for an answer.
"Where is he?" "What's his name" "Who cares, it's just a dance"
And then comes the hands again.

At that point, it's just bewildering. What is it that guys DON'T understand?
Ahhhhh yes, that's right. Subtlety.

Well, I am going to help you all out by decoding 5 very VERY simple dance floor phrases.
This way we all understand eachother.
Girls, please take note. We all need to speak the same language in there.

5. "I have a boyfriend"

Translation: "While I may or may not actually have a boyfriend, it really doesn't matter because I find you unattractive and would prefer if you didn't rub your junk on my backside for the next three-and-a-half minutes before I feel compelled to signal to my friend and excuse myself to go to the "bathroom". At this point I will go, check my hair and outfit, hide out for the next 45 seconds, then proceed to stealthily lap the bar to make sure it is safe to return to my friends; after which I will spend the rest of the night using my peripheral vision to avoid running into you again."

4. "Outside?"

Translation: "I feel like I'm getting a litttttle bit on the sweaty side, it's hot in here, and I didn't spend 2 hours making my hair look absolutely PERFECT just to sweat out the hairspray. Also, this pink dress shows sweatmarks so I need to get outside air here to avoid disaster."

3. *screams* "OH MY GAWWDD" *hugs*

Translation: "Wow ________, it sure is great bumping into you randomly at this bar. I haven't seen you in at LEAST a week and I'm quite excited as I am particularily fond of you. This has made me very happy. While I am maybe a little embarrassed about our squealing exhibition, It is cancelled out by the fact that I can't help but hope that other people have noticed how many friends I have at this bar and how totally popular I am.

2."I'll be right back"

Translation: "I WILL BE RIGHT BACK! And I expect you to be here in this exact spot on the floor. If you move, it's gonna take me 20 minutes to find your ninja ass and during that time they may play all the good songs and I don't wanna miss them cause I'm searching all over for YOU.

1. "Bathroom!"/"Bathroom?"/"Bathroom."

! Translation: "SAVE ME!"
? Translation: "I think you need to be saved, but I'm unsure, so if you say no then I'll leave you be."
. Translation: "We. need. to. get. the. eff. out. of. here. ...NOW."

There you have it.
This is of course not always the case, and of course it's just from my experience.
If only you knew what kind of experiences I've had.

Unfortunately I feel like I've described the experience a bit too accurately.
Soo, I'm gonna go shower away the filth now.

Oh, one more thing. This is a perfect opportunity for some Ricky J.
Then again, when isn't?


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