5 Ways Cosmo Makes Us Crazy.

If you're wondering why sometimes girls are bat shit crazy, you need look no further than where we get our advice. Cosmo. Or as I'm now calling it, the root of all paranoia.

Here's a list of 5 things Cosmo is telling us that contribute to making girls the irritable, weird, paranoid, psychotic, obsessive, Facebook-stalky creatures that we are.


5. "Eye Contact"

Or less specifically, guys' body language.

From a sooper young age girls are being conditioned to read and react to every tiny little thing guys are doing. Including every time they lift their eyebrows, tilt their heads, how they stand, how long it takes them to respond, what they say, how they say it, which direction his palms are facing, whether his pupils are dilated, etc...

Real Cosmo article excerpt:

"These 10 signals will let you know when a guy's just not feeling it...

8. He keeps breaking eye contact with you to look at someone or something else.

9. He doesn't look at you straight on — instead, it's from the side."

Or how about from the "Body Language Decoder"

"Although you may think he's smitten, he could be playing you. Holding intense eye contact for more than five seconds doesn't happen naturally, so he may be using the look as a seduction technique to get you into bed."

Next time a guy looks me in the eyes for 5.7 seconds, I'm gonna scream rape.

4. Change your wardrobe or die alone

Cosmo is the kind of magazine that likes to keep up to date on trends, but this article was so backwards. All it did was tell me what a panel/survey/random sampling (whaaaatever) of guys think about certain trends and assumed that would dictate whether or not I wore it.

Trends included:

tattoos
jeggings
uggs
too much makeup (duh, hence the 'too much' part")
legwarmers
neon
and...
pink

The colour pink was the second most hated thing. WTF guys, what did pink ever do to you?

3. Looking good is not enough

You have to look the right KIND of good.

According to Cosmo, there's "guy hot" and "girl hot"
Are you wearing blue eyeshadow? Gross, that's girl hot, you should've smokey-eyed that shit.
Is your hair curled? Gross, that's girl hot, you should've done beachy waves.

At this point I think I'm just gonna give up.

2. The "Does He Like Me" Quiz

And girls, you've ALL done it. It started when you picked up that first "Girls' Life" magazine in grade five.
And Cosmo still has it if you want it. Which of course you do, because with all the signs you've been taking note of, it's time for some REAL answers.

"Are you good girl hot or bad girl hot?"
"Do you know if he likes you?"
"Are you (insert adjective here) enough?"
"How do you know when it's over?"
"Is he a player?"

Fail? nah, just retake it till you get the answers you want.

And laaaaast but not least....

1. HE IS JUDGING YOU

Everything you wear, say, do, think. Cosmo wants you to know that every inch of your body and mind is being scrutinized at all times.

Found this one, I tend to get a bad case of the giggles, apparently I'm SOL:

"Your Laugh
Guys pride themselves on being funny, so they look for girls who can appreciate their sense of humor. However, there’s such a thing as laughing too much."

And they don't even mean like rolling around on the floor stupid "I didn't even say anything" laughter. They mean like if I laugh at one thing he doesn't think is funny, I'm a freak. ooookay.

You guys should actually read this next article for yourselves:

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/dating-advice/what-guys-notice?click=cos_new

The top ten things guys notice includes:

how thick your hair is 

the pitch of your voice 

and 

the size of your group

Maybe it's just me, but isn't Cosmo asking a lot of us?
At this point I'm tempted to just stay home and bitch online.
wait...